The last time you spent an hour with a business associate or a personal acquaintance, what new things did you learn about that person? And what new things did that person learn about you?
Too often the answer to these questions is “nothing.”
As the world digitizes, it’s becoming more challenging to establish and build personal and business relationships. While instant messaging, texting and collaboration tools and apps are proliferating, productive dialogue is dwindling.
Conversations are crucial to building successful relationships, but people are increasingly struggling to communicate effectively. Part of this struggle relates to the fact that conversation is a dialogue, yet many of us converse in monologues.
Why? In the Harvard Business Review article, The Surprising Power of Questions, Professor Leslie K John suggests people tend to refrain from asking questions for a variety of reasons: they may be egocentric, preferring to impress others with their own thoughts. They may be apathetic and don’t care enough to ask. They may be overconfident and believe they already know the answers. Or they may be concerned about asking the wrong question.
“Conversations are the building blocks of our relationships, whether personal or professional,” says Dr. Christopher Bray, who is a member of the faculty of the Harvard Brain Health Initiative Faculty. “They hold immense power to connect individuals, foster understanding, and drive positive change.”
The only way we can develop meaningful relationships is by being curious. Asking questions. Encouraging others to share their thoughts, their ideas, their feelings. Being interested in what they have to say.
But Professor John says, “Most people don’t grasp that asking a lot of questions unlocks learning and improves interpersonal bonding.”
Consider a job interview as an example. The professor cites research which suggests that most people excessively self-promote. “When interviewees focus on selling themselves, they are likely to forget to ask questions—about the interviewer, the organization, the work.” When it comes to applying for a job, “asking questions can signal competence, build rapport, and unlock key pieces of information about the position.”
In fact, asking questions and listening thoughtfully encourages creativity and innovation in many collaborative situations. Professor John’s research has found that “Personal creativity and organizational innovation rely on a willingness to seek out novel information. Questions and thoughtful answers foster smoother and more-effective interactions, they strengthen rapport and trust, and lead groups toward discovery.”
If you want to use curiosity to enhance your business and personal conversations, here are some points to keep in mind.
- Remember that productive conversations are not monologues, but rather dialogues where people exchange perspectives and information.
- Be curious. Ask questions focused on getting to know others and their thoughts and ideas. How do you feel about that?” “Why is this important to you”? “What is your opinion concerning that…?”
- Use open-ended questions – why, how, tell me about, what do you think? These avoid creating situations that feel like interrogations and instead, deepen discussions and unearth information.
- Listen to what others have to say, with the goal of understanding. Never respond by one-upping someone else’s story. Instead, follow up with more questions.
“Conversations are the lifeblood of any organization,” says David Henkin In the Forbes article, Innovating The Oldest Technology – Dialogue For Growth. He says when organizations “prioritize conversation competence,” they can unlock a multitude of benefits.” These include idea cross-pollination, better problem-solving and decision making, and greater inclusivity. Conversation can encourage “an environment where every voice is valued.”
Want to connect with people – and realize all of these benefits? Aim to have more curious conversations.
Corinne Chats About Communicating Effectively 